At A Crossroads: Hope and Despair

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I've always been very open about my infertility. As a matter of fact, I told my husband about the possibility before he ever proposed. He has three beautiful sons from his previous marriage, and at first I wasn't sure if he wanted any more children. He in fact did and does want more. I think that the open honesty in our relationship is what has made us stronger through out this journey.

This isn't my first time openly talking about infertility, my infertility to be exact. As a matter of fact, last year I had the privilege to do a three part series called Coming Clean With Infertility featuring Conceive Easy (Fertibella) on my blog. While I understood what it meant to me to be infertile, I didn't realize that my readership would grow. I knew that there were other women who are going through this horrible journey, but I didn't know that they would come to my rescue as well.

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I think we've all been at this crossroads; facing Despair and Hope in the face and at the same time. It's that part of the cycle that starts with hope, and ends in despair. The worst part is that with PCOS one never really knows exactly when their cycle will start. It's that window of time when your period ends and you count the days, take your temperature, chart it, and wait to see if you ovulate. Then you have sex, if you ovulate, and then you wait. If you're anything like me, I wait all of DPO 9 (days past ovulation). I'm a self confirmed POAS addict (Pee On a Stick). Waiting those 9 days alone is torture! Then despair sets in all over again, when the pee sticks reveal a big fat negative.

Living in this mind frame has become emotionally burdening to me. I'm at the point where I just can't deal with it anymore. It hurts. It makes me useless and barren, even though I have become pregnant. Does this mean that my uterus is hostile? That it's so jaded from waiting that it doesn't want to grow a baby? What does it mean? Why do miscarriages happen? I wish I had the answers to these questions. I wish I was a little bit stronger to not break down and cry so often. 

How have you dealt with your infertility?